When the Rapture does arrive, I will pick up the telephone, dial a toll free number, and I will hear this: "We have identified an outage in your area, and we are diligently working on the problem. Thank you for your patience."
The voice will be angelic,
it will make an attempt at exuding calm and confidence and understanding,
and to my ear it will contain the smugness of one vacationing in Cancun.
But fortunately internet access, here where I live, has resumed. How the
Ancients managed I no longer need to know.