Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Faith, Language and Income

Yr Iaith is Welsh for The Language. It's one letter away from the English word Faith. At least I reckon it is. There are some who'll suggest that Languages which become vulnerable should be allowed to whither and die. Others will suggest that social cohesion depends upon a shared language, the Tower of Babel a punishment upon us people and we should all speak with one tongue, kind of like a garden with only one variety of plant, all of them Dandelion perhaps.

 In the end, the issue is one of obedience to the Gods of Income. The problem is as much a man with sword as it is a man with a different language, a different sound, a different music, a different color. The other problem is those who might insist that we can do better, live in polite pluralistic harmony. And the thing about that is we don't, never have been able to, probably never will be able to. Which is why our heroic hero chooses sides. Call him tribal if you have to, or a Baboon. It's up to you.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Rapture Day

In the year 2011 a man called Harold Camping was the president of a radio station called Family Radio which broadcast to 150 markets in the USA. Harold's understanding from his research was that on May 21st 2011 Jesus would return to earth. The saved would be taken up to heaven, everyone else would have to endure plague, fire and brimstone then on October 21st 2011 the earth would be destroyed

 More recently a chap called Chris McCann of the eBible Fellowship has reexamined Harold's methodology and has decided that May 21st 2011 was actually the beginning of the End of Times. Harold, McCann claims, was confused by a small detail in the Book of Revelation and the actual day of Rapture will be1600 days after May 21st 2011, which would make the Day of Rapture October 7th 2015. So we've got about a week.

Monday, September 28, 2015

A Disapointment

Like so many of us who are still here this morning there will be a visit to town today to check on the condition of car parking areas. However there is some debate about which car parking areas are more likely to serve those of us who are most likely to have been chosen for last night's Rapture. I reckon Main Street will be empty. So it's going to be interesting.

I did feel a little tug this time around, it was about ten  thirty Eastern Summer Time, but I might have been wearing the wrong shoes and it was way past my bedtime. Fortunately The Rapture is a reoccurring event, so next time I'm going to dress to impress, proper shoes, matching socks, I'll shave, powder under my arms, and there'll be none of this flip-flopping around with the Organic All Natural Bug-Be-Gone. 

Sunday, September 27, 2015


A nice note, another invitation to meet the President and yet another suggestion that I should donate to the coffers of a political machine. Nor is the other political machine any more enticing. So I guess I'm looking for what they call a "Populist."

 The odd thing about the word "Populist" is the extent to which Establishments view Populists with disdain. Populists are wacky, weird, out there kind of people who don't really get it, apparently. Which is a polite way of saying they're stupid. However "Populist" is defined as one who seeks to represent the views of ordinary people.

Saturday, September 26, 2015


A theme in Vestry of Monnow is the relationship between obedience and sanity. The actual nut house was called The Tri County Lunatic Asylum or Pen-y-Fal. A wonderfully scary Victorian structure with beautiful gardens, there was even a heated green house and vegetable growing.

 The thing about this particular Tri County Lunatic Asylum is that recently, maybe twenty or thirty years ago, it was converted into very expensive apartments. Back in the day of course our hero had to qualify to get into Pen-y-Fal. And he can assure you the examination was great deal harder than his Geography A Level.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Thomas Hughes and Kingston Lisle II

Thomas Hughes wrote several books. The Manliness of Christ, being one of them. He was born in Uffington, which back then was in Berkshire and which is now in Oxfordshire. But the thing about Thomas Hughes is the connection he has to our hero. Any mention of Hughes' book Tom Brown's Schooldays, a manly yarn about Victorian Boarding schools, will put our hero into a state of apoplexy, send him into ennui and cause him to contemplate the long handled shovel as a means to salvation.

 Which is why your narrator has never told Timotei Candlemass that JH Woolly, a name upon AB Gorely's list, would have known that the author of Tom Brown's Schooldays was familiar with Uffington, Kingston Lisle and the White Horse. All of which remain for the moment little bright stars in our hero's heart. The other thing about Thomas is that he wrote an account of Alfred's time upon earth which is up there with Van Doran Honeyman's ludicrous contribution to erudition and learning.  Just as well there's no touching the books in the Library at Rugby Tennessee.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Thomas Hughes and Kingston Lisle

 Fresh from the trail a person quickly realizes the importance of drywall, dehumidifiers and stone. When everything's wood the organic becomes oppressive as it gently melts away to dust that mingles with and flavors the air. Still reckon we are creatures of salt water pools.

 The most interesting thing were the books. A whole library of them, stuck in time, and not to be touched without special permission. In their day the residents had access to the books free, outsiders had to pay a penny a year for the privilege. In an odd way it summarizes a condition of life.

Monday, September 21, 2015

The Letlander and Why

The Letlander begins with our hero's decision to avoid speaking English to English Speaking People while helping change the tire on a motor vehicle. Then one thing led to another and pretty soon our hero was an indigenous Letlander from a semi tropical fictional paradise called Letland employed by the hotel and catering industry.

 The question for our hero's narrator is why? And at the end of The Letlander our hero does attempt to satisfy his narrator's curiosity. Me, fortunately I don't have to concern myself with the details because I too was once a Letlander employed by the hotel and catering industry and rest assured foreignness is the only way to manage the experience, otherwise the answer to the question is very depressing.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Savior as profession

The idea of savior is one of the perennials within our species. In the corporate world, in politics and in the religious world, it's pretty much all about saviors. And you have to think the religious world has it right, all their saviors died a very long time ago.

The sign on the church, it's a neon sign and it's a big church with windows, asked "What would you do if you knew Jesus was coming?" My answer I regret to say was, "buy a twelve pack and bottle of whisky, hope it's all over by the time I sober up."

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Katydid Frost, Popes and Puns

The Almanac's first frost failed to show, and six more days before the predicted Katydid Frost. Some of us are kind of hoping the Katydids are also wholly confused by the art of forecasting the future, and at the same time kind of hoping that Katydid's are smarter than us.

Interesting too is the general idea in certain quarters that Fortune Tellers are somehow evil. The famed seers of the future in somewhere like Afghanistan are considered devil worshipers by the zealots. There's a sense too amongst some that the Pope shouldn't be talking about Climate Change. It's very weird but it does at least explain why some of us find puns aggravating.

Friday, September 18, 2015

F-This Moments

Your writer of pulp has achieved what might be called an F-This Moment. It's a fairly regular, often repeating moment that twirls around and can often result in an ennui that leads a man to find solace in the company of his Compost Piles. And the sad fact is that sometimes Compost Piles just need to be left alone. You can only stick your finger in them so often to check their temperature otherwise it becomes an obsessive behavior that doesn't look good on your permanent record.

The more useful direction when confronted by an F-This Moment is to consider the possibilities of using the  moment as an opportunity to so thoroughly explore pointlessness that you come away with a construct so novel in it's solution that even the angels toss a couple of A pluses in your direction. And while on the subject of Compost Piles during the seasonal adjustment and the general preparation for Giving there is such an unholy  thing as a Compost Pile Thermometer. It's amazing what evil people will devise to spoil the fun of others.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Authentic 2016

Authentic has along with it an idea of some kind of natural condition. Certainly natural conditions are usually defined, and if we're all very lucky there might not be such a thing as a natural condition for us people.

I read the live updates from the recent debate between the Republican candidates for President. The experience it seemed to me was an excellent example of people anxious to sound authentic. Wasn't very pleasant.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015


It's very dry in the outdoors. Not good for Compost. Mind you there's more to Compost than Compost. There's a whole thing with turning it regularly, and cooing at it, and moaning a little about sticks. All the same at least with Compost you can turn it and wonder at the world without necessarily becoming apoplectic.

Nor will I pretend that I spent the morning turning Compost in the traditional sense of Compost, but nonetheless I have been turning that variety of Compost that does produce apoplexy. Best way to sum it up politely I suppose is with something like "Such a Shame!" The emotion of course is closer to "Never Again!" Either way there's always comfort to be drawn from decomposition.

Monday, September 14, 2015


I was chatting to an older gentleman about Katydids. They're green insects that look a little like a Cricket, they live much of their life in trees and like Crickets they can sing. His theory was ninety days after a Katydid first sings there'll be a frost. Which means we're looking at September 25th 2015.

The other point he raised was the Almanac. According to the Almanac the first frost for our area will be on September 18th 2015. And I have to agree with him that when dealing with the prospect of winter it's these little things that make it more manageable. 

Sunday, September 13, 2015


The recent hiatus has played such havoc on routine, I even had lunch. A necessary interlude, otherwise fatness sets in. It's a sort of combination of smug and pompous, a horrible condition, and yet without a degree of fatness no word would be written. Probably wrong to think of it as fatness, the word has connotations in the land of plenty. So call it something else. Smompousness.

The distinction between smug and pompous, is I think mostly a simple one. The smug are less vocal, the pompous are noisy. When put together in a writer of pulp he begins to sound like a snore, and while the snorer is quite unaware of his snoring, it's his fellows that suffer. One solution is of course to sleep in a sound proof room. Call it a Smompous Room with internet access. Well worth recalling another symptom of smompousness is making up words.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Almost 60%

Some years ago a Prime Minister of the United Kingdom made the statement that "Labour is the natural party of opposition." He was a man called Edward Heath. It was a classic understanding of society, simplistic, arrogant and possibly true. Rich man in his castle, poor man at his gate. In the USA the same sentiment issues from the statement "Time for the adults to take over." Then sometimes things go awry for the Castle Dweller and for the Adults. They have to buy obedience.

Currently obedience is secured by promises that things will get better. The definition of better would appear to consist primarily of an increase in the size of the cake off which we all feed. And here, the rude question addresses the theoretical possibilities of the cake's capacity for endless increase which is as much an act of faith as for example belief in the virgin birth. Granted we all live in stories, such a shame so many of them are fairy tales. Then something happens, we call them saviors. Like bright stars, they flash, burn and disappear into the castle, or they grow up and become dull as shale. Either way I'm glad Jeremy Corbyn won his mandate.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Trash Day

The Turkey have been absent a while. They'd become a bit of a fixture, couldn't just open the back door with out pussy-footing around so as not to disturb them. And whenever either one of us did disturb them, they'd give us the hard look, an accusatory and possibly saintly stare that could wander deep into the soul where it would remind us of our sins, play ping-pong with our emotions and could generally make a person feel like an interloper, a carpetbagger, possibly a Viking. Not a pleasant feeling.

Naturally we've missed them and we did a bit of pining, wondering where they were, whether they were happy, whether we'd done something to upset them. Then, today being Friday the male of our own pairing pottered to the end of the lane to participate in the weekly ceremony which in these parts is called Trash Day. It was swirling fog and patches of mist, an ethereal moment of seasonal change that leads the mind into thoughts of the Polar Vortex and frozen pipes, and there on the neighbors pasture, sidling up to his corn field, a host of Turkey staring back at me. My own reaction was to feel betrayed and unwanted, and it seemed to me they looked a little bit guilty, so I made a big point of totally ignoring them.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Vestry of Monnow

Wow! A whole week. I could think of it as vacation. But more like a celebration of a new date in the Calendar. The infamous September 6th 2014. Exactly seventy years and three months after D-Day your correspondent fell down his stairs. Coincidence, I don't think so.

I did briefly become excited by the idea of devoting these pages to A Conspiracy Theory. I'd draw it out of whole cloth, explore it minutely. Then I remembered, the SST which is the germ of book called the Vestry of Monnow. Sadly SST sounds dull, so I think I'll just call it Of the Saint, Y Sant in Welsh. Possible Y Gwingen which is The Rabbit in Welsh. And this could go on a bit.... 

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Turkey and Filbert

I might well be bearing false witness, and it doesn't seem to make any sense, but the Turkey are spending a great deal of their morning around the Filberts. I find it sinister and a little worrying, and there has been some googling of "Turkey Filbert Eating."

It's emotionally difficult to chase Turkey, not something that comes naturally, and a person has to worry about all the effort they put into flying, but if the Turkey are eating Filberts, all that might change.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015


Big excitement, here where I live, after years of waiting we got nuts. Or at least one nut. It's kind of a joy to behold, and naturally it's perfect in every way, it's was very beautiful and it didn't taste too bad either.

The Filbert, not Philbert as some of us might have seen it in their fevered imagination, or The Hazel Nut, which is so much easier to spell have finally produced and some of the Filberts actually contain nuts. So it's all very wondrous and there are Squirrel and there are Chipmunk and the Blue Jay are flying.